Reclaimed dreams and rose tinted glasses

This is an honest blog about my real life. And sometimes that real life is difficult, it’s painful and messy but I keep talking or writing anyway to try and deal with things the only way I know how.

The last few weeks have been difficult for many reasons. It has been an emotional roller coaster, a learning curve and a slap in the face at times all at once. When you are living with another person in such close quarters and interacting with people who didn’t grow up with your particular temperament, things are not always easy to digest. You say things when you are angry and hurt. You resort to the method of dealing with conflict that you grew up with, and that’s not always the best way.

This week has been difficult. I’ve had to take a long and hard look at myself and the people around me and I have not liked what I have seen. I am different and strange now. I feel alienated and isolated. What was once is no more, and I mourn the loss of my past self. I am transitioning. What into? I don’t know. It’s uncomfortable, it’s painful and it hurts like hell. I am a fighter, and I will kick and scream the whole way through.

This time, no-one is there to pick me up. I have to do this by myself, for my own sake. Someone can only give so much of themselves to someone before even they get frustrated. I am not coping.

There, I said it out loud. I am not coping. I am finding this thing difficult. My emotions are not mine any more. My body is not mine any more.

What I didn’t realise pre-marriage was that your hormones will go crazy. You will go through periods of love, intense hope and then disappointment. We cope with these loses the only way we know how, by lashing out at the other. And that’s not fair.

So, I want to say, I’m sorry. If I have hurt you during this transitioning period, I am truly sorry.

The other thing I learned through this process is I need to create, I need to write. I need to get that girl back that had a zest for life, because she’s been lost in this whole process. Her voice, her thoughts and her sense of humour has been lost. I want her back. Right now, it’s difficult to change. It’s difficult to work through this period. Coming home has helped.

There is nothing like a warm hug from your parents to make it all OK. For the first time I slept after so long. For the first time, I could breathe easy after so long. It takes a long time for me to adjust. I don’t like change. I also don’t like this person I’ve become. I am trying to get the old me back. She’s a little wiser, a little more jaded, a little wounded but she is in there. I’m hoping like a butterfly inshallah she will come back.

I need her to come back.

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9 thoughts on “Reclaimed dreams and rose tinted glasses

  1. Huge hug for getting all this written down. It couldn’t have been easy.

    It’s hard to be honest with yourself, especially when it comes to when things aren’t quite going as you’d thought. Being honest and telling yourself it’s okay to not be okay is tough. But glad you’ve got past that hurdle.

    Find who you were again and mix her with who you are now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally get what you say. Especially about raging hormones. I experience extreme sadness, happiness and irritability all in a span of 24 hours. Losing yourself after marriage is something I’m familiar with too. I still haven’t entirely found myself but I’m on a path that is hopefully good for me.

    The old you will come back soon. Don’t give up on her.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Humaira
    I somehow felt your pain and can relate to what you are going through. Sometimes life gets tough and when it does we tend to lose ourselves trying to figure out why and how to deal with these changes. By reading this post you have reliased that you’ve kind of lost yourself and you need to find yourself again. I at one point could no longer relate to the person starting back at me in the mirror, i knew who i was on the inside but sadly it didnt show on the outside.
    The only advice i can give is take it day by day, surround yourself with positivity and do small things that make you happy in order to find that girl you once knew.
    Thank you for stopping by Sew Chic and Unique, so glad you did as i got to discover your blog :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for commenting! You are one of my favourite bloggers, so happy to see you commenting on my little corner!

      And thank you for the kind advice. It’s a learning process, but coming home to see my parents has helped massively.

      Like

  4. Humaira,

    What is appreciable is the honesty with which you have etched your thoughts down. Unfortunately / fortunately, women have been made to be more emotional. Our hormones make us react the way we do and on looking back we are more often than not filled with shame and regret. It is very important that we forgive ourselves and gather our thoughts at this point, which you seemed to have already done. I’m sure with the Almighty’s blessings you will re-emerge the strong, beautiful and powerful woman that we know you are.
    Lots of love to you.

    Raily

    Like

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