This is an honest blog about my real life. And sometimes that real life is difficult, it’s painful and messy but I keep talking or writing anyway to try and deal with things the only way I know how.
The last few weeks have been difficult for many reasons. It has been an emotional roller coaster, a learning curve and a slap in the face at times all at once. When you are living with another person in such close quarters and interacting with people who didn’t grow up with your particular temperament, things are not always easy to digest. You say things when you are angry and hurt. You resort to the method of dealing with conflict that you grew up with, and that’s not always the best way.
This week has been difficult. I’ve had to take a long and hard look at myself and the people around me and I have not liked what I have seen. I am different and strange now. I feel alienated and isolated. What was once is no more, and I mourn the loss of my past self. I am transitioning. What into? I don’t know. It’s uncomfortable, it’s painful and it hurts like hell. I am a fighter, and I will kick and scream the whole way through.
This time, no-one is there to pick me up. I have to do this by myself, for my own sake. Someone can only give so much of themselves to someone before even they get frustrated. I am not coping.
There, I said it out loud. I am not coping. I am finding this thing difficult. My emotions are not mine any more. My body is not mine any more.
What I didn’t realise pre-marriage was that your hormones will go crazy. You will go through periods of love, intense hope and then disappointment. We cope with these loses the only way we know how, by lashing out at the other. And that’s not fair.
So, I want to say, I’m sorry. If I have hurt you during this transitioning period, I am truly sorry.
The other thing I learned through this process is I need to create, I need to write. I need to get that girl back that had a zest for life, because she’s been lost in this whole process. Her voice, her thoughts and her sense of humour has been lost. I want her back. Right now, it’s difficult to change. It’s difficult to work through this period. Coming home has helped.
There is nothing like a warm hug from your parents to make it all OK. For the first time I slept after so long. For the first time, I could breathe easy after so long. It takes a long time for me to adjust. I don’t like change. I also don’t like this person I’ve become. I am trying to get the old me back. She’s a little wiser, a little more jaded, a little wounded but she is in there. I’m hoping like a butterfly inshallah she will come back.
I need her to come back.